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RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Sat, 08 May 2010 20:10:12 GMT

Oh, what a laugh! :D

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Sat, 08 May 2010 13:45:38 GMT

:D:D:D:D

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Thu, 06 May 2010 22:42:07 GMT

Did I tell you about the bonsai grower who has made such a good thing of his business that he's looking for smaller premises?:P

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 13:02:26 GMT

[quote][b]Stymie (26/11/2009)[/b](It's not about Mary, I hasten to add)

You are naughty :D:D:D:D:D

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 11:55:02 GMT

[b]My spare lady[/b]
To be sung to the tune 'Accustomed to her face'
(It's not about Mary, I hasten to add)

I've thrown a custard in her face.
It almost filled the wrinkles in.
I've got so used to hear her say "I'm ugly" every day
her pimples scurf and furrowed brow
are quite familiar to me now
like drinking ale and port and gin.
I'm quite aware she's just a woman and so easy to ignore
always just as ugly as she was the day before.
She's grown accustomed to a trace
of custard in her hair.
and custard in her face.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:59:24 GMT

Very funny, Don. What logic!

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:04:55 GMT

[quote][b]Kath (22/11/2009)[/b][hr]:D:D:D:D:hehe: where do U find them Don? :)[/quote]
In the bars. Heh!

THAT’S BEER LOGIC

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"

"It’s a mongoose."

"What have you got that for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:35:10 GMT

:D:D:D:D:hehe: where do U find them Don? :)

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:52:14 GMT

Hee, hee :D:hehe:

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:48:27 GMT

"I say I say I say!"
"What do you say?"
"The wind just blew my hat off and your dog has eaten it."
"So?, The wind blew your hat off etc. what's that to me?"
"Well, what are you going to do about it?"
"I'm not going to do anything about it."
"I must say that I don't like your attitude."
"I thought that you said it was your 'at 'e chewed."

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 17:05:11 GMT

:hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe::D

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:50:18 GMT

:D;):hehe: Good one, Don!

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:50:18 GMT

DOG BITES

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 17:20:56 GMT

:D:D:D:D:D

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 07:38:19 GMT

:D Always the way, Don!

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 23:06:41 GMT

I've cracked it. I discovered how to make rain.

Spray the weeds with herbicide - it never fails.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:52:26 GMT

:D:hehe

Nice to find bureaucrats with a sense of humour.

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 00:44:49 GMT

Canadian candour.

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:57:04 GMT

Yesterday, contemplating my treez
I observed a great number of beez
Congregating in layers
On the pines and the firs
In a swarm just as large as you pleez.

Boom boom

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 21:39:23 GMT

giggle, giggle....enjoyed, those, Don.

:)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 12:00:03 GMT

One from down under:-

A bloke on an outback safari
Found a tree with terrific nebari
So he got out his spade
And a fine bonsai he made
So he got his mates round for a barbie!

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 08:19:19 GMT

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 16:27:53 GMT

Or with double spacing:-

A lass who grows bonsai in Lincoln

had a blue spruce and a pink 'un.

being new to the game

she made them the same,

by putting the pink 'un some quink on

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 16:22:15 GMT

Limerick anyone?

A bonsai nut out wearing boots
Tripped over a fine set of roots
So he whipped out his spade
Made a sharp lightning raid
And now it's back home growing shoots!

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:32:05 GMT

Brilliant

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 17:12:37 GMT

Hee, hee. :cool:

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 16:25:49 GMT

Animal lovers; always put the welfare of the beasties first.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 08:54:01 GMT

:) Pleased you enjoyed that, Kath.

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 07:26:00 GMT

Like it Penny :)

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 14:33:25 GMT

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

.
.
.
.
You're probably the family dog!

And you thought I was being all "spiritual". :)

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 08:06:19 GMT

Love the rolly smilies, Kath. :)

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:00:33 GMT

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:21:44 GMT

What do you do all day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding to the hall, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the sitting room the TV was blaring loudly with a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes." was his incredulous reply.
.
.
.
.
.
.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

:)

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:53:33 GMT

Aw, that is a laugh, Kath. Thanks. :)

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 18:14:41 GMT

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You
> have
> been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the
> asking.'
>
> The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm
> and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep
> on.' God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
>
> A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to
> Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He
> made to the cat.
>
> The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs,
> and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller
> skates, we would not have to run again.'
> God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller
> skates.
>
> About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
> asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is
> everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
>
> The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my
> life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have
> been sending over are delicious!'
>
>

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:55:25 GMT

OK, Don. :cool: :)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 10:34:10 GMT

It's in the right place alright. There are some giggles along the way.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:22:22 GMT

This isn't exactly material for the "Funny Farm" but I hope you find some enjoyment in reading it.

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go!

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sings "Silent Night".
Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli
either.
Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice.
Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures.
Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers
have followed me there.
Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me,
I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but
just don't know how to show it.
Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply
sending them a little note.
Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits
for hours.
Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone.
Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life.
Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for
your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you.
Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness,
I usually make the right decision.
Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be
one.
Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this one on to someone you
care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to
make them smile.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:20:58 GMT

I like the bell-goat. :)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:16:56 GMT

dong test of GIF