Bonsai Garden Forums / BONSAI / Social Chat / Funny farm / Latest Posts

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:10:41 GMT

Pleased you liked them, Don. My kind of jokes, too. :)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:55:23 GMT

I like stuff that is repeatable to children and maiden aunts Penny. Thanks for the chuckles. I've stored them for future reference. :P

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 17:28:19 GMT

A few chuckles for you::D

Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the chimney?
Because has had his flue jab.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
Someday my prints will come. (Prince)

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?
'It's Christmas! Eve.'

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:53:31 GMT

I enjoyed those, Don. Thanks. Very apt, too, most of them.

:)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:19:03 GMT

AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS (and Truisms) gathered across the pond but not all originating there, my favourite is credited to Reagan.

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:42:30 GMT

Great design for a new 'sit-on' mower :)

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:47:52 GMT

Hadn't though of that. :)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:27:12 GMT

With the control column there, it would be awkward for anyone wearing a skirt.:P Trews or jeans would be okay though.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 16:45:45 GMT

Oh my! I can just picture you riding around on one of those. :)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:01:46 GMT

The hills in Sheffield get steeper every year. I must get one of these with a stair lift fitted.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 08:33:16 GMT

I missed your post, above, Kath. Please you liked the jokes from Canada. :)

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 08:32:15 GMT

Oh, thank you, Kath! Very kind of you to send the email. :D:hehe:

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 08:11:47 GMT

URGENT WARNING. .........

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON FRIDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

OBVIOUSLY YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:21:27 GMT

short Joke:

First man - "Avenue Road"

Second Man - "What's wrong with the old one?"

:hehe:

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:17:42 GMT

First Class Blonde

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.

He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. :)

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:12:34 GMT

Oh, very funny! What a laugh. :D

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:32:10 GMT

A man owned a small farm in East Yorkshire. The local minimum wage watchdog claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £100 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £75 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £5 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of something every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the chap I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 21:09:53 GMT

Certainly! The ones you post are enjoyable. :)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 10:41:33 GMT

You'll have gathered from my Emails that I couldn't possibly put all of mine on here. :P We'll just be selective eh?

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 08:25:09 GMT

I'm pleased you liked them, Don. :)

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:04:12 GMT

Thanks Penny, I'm sitting here giggling:)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:30:29 GMT

Thanks for those Penny. One can send them to anyone, maiden aunts included.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 16:39:10 GMT

An on-line friend in Canada sent me this. I particularly like the one about the child who thought school a waste of time - I wasn't allowed to talk, either! :)

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the
Van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And wh y not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found, ' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Penny

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 15:36:30 GMT

Oh deary me! That'll teach him to check the seat first. How embarrassing for him.

:)

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:14:03 GMT

Did you notice this MSN news item this morning?

man freed from toilet

A man has been taken to hospital stuck to a public toilet after a prankster covered the seat with glue.
The stainless steel lavatory was removed from a cubicle in Brierley Hill, near Dudley, with the man still attached, after the best efforts of emergency services failed to free him, said West Midlands Ambulance Service.
An ambulance service spokesman explained: "The man was using the facilities when he became stuck on the seat. It appears as though someone had left glue on it.
"Despite best efforts it was not possible to remove the 35-year-old local man from his position so, with the help of a local authority and the fire and rescue service, the man was removed from the cubicle still attached to the stainless steel toilet."
He was taken to hospital where a doctor used special chemicals to free him unhurt, if red-faced, while still inside the ambulance.
"He appeared to be none the worse for his ordeal other than being understandably somewhat embarrassed," the spokesman said.
The toilet, meanwhile, was returned to the public conveniences.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 09:48:42 GMT

hee, hee, hee. :):D You do find them, Don. :hehe:

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 21:24:53 GMT

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between

A and W.

Repeat it

out loud as

you scroll down.

Keep going ............................ . .

Don't stop . . ..

Think of an

animal

that begins

with that letter.

Repeat it

out loud

as you

scroll down.

Think of

either a man's/woman's

name

that

begins

with the

last letter

in the

animals name

Almost

there........

Now

count out

the letters

in that name

on the fingers

of the hand

you are not

using to

scroll down.

Take the

hand you

counted with

and hold it out

in front of you

at face level

Look at your

palm

very closely

and

notice

the

lines

your

hand

Do the lines

take the

form of the

first letter

in the

persons name?

. Of course they bloody don't.......

.Now smack

yourself in the head, get a life,

and

quit playing

stupid

e-mail games!

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 12:51:35 GMT

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Garden.
Garden who?
Garden the treasure................................................................

What do you call a cow in a earthquake?

A milkshake!...........................................................................

The pizza boy asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”.........................

:D

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 07:38:58 GMT

:D :) Made me laugh.

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 22:08:09 GMT

Picture me in a skirt and blouse before you read this....

NOW

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 15:05:58 GMT

:D Wonder if tummyache followed the disappearance of the mouse. :w00t:

RE: Funny farm

Stymie — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:55:41 GMT

A Mau mau terrorist?

doubtful

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 11:02:23 GMT

I can't respond to emails today, something has crashed on my computer

And the mouse is missing

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 18:01:18 GMT

Thanks very much, Kath. The photo is much better the size you made it.

They are such comical dogs. Lots of fun. :)

The Kennet & Avon Canal Museum was very interesting. It's very good that there are Trusts that work to keep such waterways open.

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:47:20 GMT

They are beautiful too Penny. Hope you don't mind but I resized the photo as it was a bit too large for the page.

Hope you had a good afternoon at the Canal Museum:)

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:47:40 GMT

Here they are, lazing around.

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:45:53 GMT

Hello Kath and Christine.

The boxers are brindles, too. Maizie, George and Max. All rescues. I walked Maizie by herself as she's difficult with other dogs and then took Max and George out together. We are close to hills and fields of maize and other crops and can walk for miles along tracks and through lanes.

I'm going into Devizes now to visit the Kennet & Avon Canal Museum on the Wharf.

Bye

RE: Funny farm

christianne — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:22:58 GMT

Just had my third cup of green tea and now I'm off on the bike:)

I'm taking the advises here seriously:P

RE: Funny farm

Kath — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 08:03:13 GMT

:D:D:D:D:D I like the last line best :)

Now like Penny I'm off for my second cup of (Yorkshire) tea, have had the cornflakes and watered all the bonsai, have a good day all :).

Great dogs those boxers Penny our son has 2 'Brindles'

Charlie

Lola

Charlie and Lola (Brother and Sister)

RE: Funny farm

Tuppence — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:28:49 GMT

Hee, hee. That's enough for me before my first cup of tea of the day. Going to have a cup of Red Bush then walk my sister's three boxer dogs. I'm staying at her house for the week.

Penny :D