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Posted 28/02/2008 21:54:05


SENSEI?

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Thats a classic Keith

My name is Don and I'm a bonsaiholic.
My imaginary friend Givitago takes over when I'm not sure of myself in print. He's not a complete fool - several bits are missing.

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Post #875
Posted 29/02/2008 00:34:57


Junior Member

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Ditto, Keith. 

And I know 1 or 2 people I can show it to!!!:

Not as good but in the same vein - can't remember the author - possibly Ogden Nash??

I sat next to the Duchess at tea

It was just as I feared it would be

Her rumblings abdominal

Were truly phenomenal

And everyone thought it was me!

Cheers

Carol

Post #877
Posted 29/02/2008 08:25:03


Forum Guru

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Hi All

The old ones are best!! here are some more:--

 The Clever Watch

 
Once Not long ago there was this inventor. He loved inventing things that other people would
love to have.
 
One day he put on his inventor's hat and thought "I will invent a special Watch"
 
He worked at it for some months until one day he was able to show it to some people.
 
The people gathered around him to see what this amazing new invention was like.
 
"My new watch" , he said, "will revolutionise the way everybody works"
 
"This new watch  not only tells the time, but is also a personal computer, a mobile phone, and has it's own printer that prints on paper that is made inside the watch, so you never have to run out of paper. It makes its own ink as well.
 
It will also monitor your body and can diagnose any illness and produce the correct medication to cure it, so you will never need to see a doctor again. 
 
The people said "Let us see this wonderful invention"
 
The inventor said "hang on there is more" and went on to describe many other wonderful things that this watch could do.
 
The people said "Show us this wonderful thing, show us please!"
 
The inventor said "Uh only one problem"
 
 
I
 
 
Lost IT!!!
 
 
 
The Weather Forecaster
 
Once a while ago there was a man who was shipwrecked and managed to land on this lost Island.
 
All he had with him was a small bag of personal belongings, that he was able to rescue before the ship went down.
 
The Island was inhabited by a very fierce tribe who had never seen a white (Or grubby white!) man before. and they did not take kindly to a stranger landing on their island.
 
They captured the man and tied him up to a pole.
 
"Why should we not kill you and maybe eat you " they said.
 
The man replied "I have not eaten for some time so there is very little flesh on my bones, If you want to eat me maybe our should feed me first to fatten me up"
 
The tribe elders pondered and decided they would keep him in a grass hut and feed him until he was good enough to eat.
 
Every morning the tribe elders would visit him and enquire of his state.
 
The man would answer "No I am not ready to be eaten yet, But I will tell you what the weather will be today"
 
The man foretold what the weather would be, and lo he was correct.
 
This went on for some time and the tribe elders were amazed. Whatever the man said about the weather came true!
 
The tribe elders met and decided that rather than eat this man he could be more use to them letting them know what the weather was going to be.
 
They rewarded him with the best food, the best women, and in fact the best of everything.
 
The local priest became jealous, and tried to forecast the weather himself. He prayed to his gods and announced "The weather today will be fine and sunny"
 
Our man said "No that is not quite correct, the weather will start sunny but rain will move in from the west later. Tonight will also be wet.
 
Guess what was for tea that night....  Yes the priest, he was quite tasty really!
 
This went on for some years, and the weather forecast was always correct.
 
One day however it was wrong. The forecast was that it would rain but it was sunny all day!
 
The tribe was shocked. The elders met to decide what to do.
 
The decision was Well he has been correct all these years, one mistake isn't bad.
 
But
 
He was wrong the next day as well, and again and again!
 
The elders came to him and asked why has his forecasts been wrong?
 
The man answered......
 
Wait for it........
 
 
 
You will like this  .......
 
 
 
 
Not a lot.........
 
 
 
"My radio broke!"
 
Hope you liked these
 


Best regards

Keith

Leeds UK

-----------------------------------------------------

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
 -- Anais Nin

"valde bonsai ex ferreus opus" (see I can do latin as well!)

The Human mind is like a Parachute, They both need to be open to work!

 

Post #878
Posted 29/02/2008 15:25:28


Genius

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Oh my!!

...Location: Trowbridge, Wiltshire...
Webshots

http://www.picturesofengland.com








Post #880
Posted 02/03/2008 11:47:02


SENSEI?

SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?

Group: Administrators
Last Login: Today @ 12:33:33
Posts: 792, Visits: 4,714
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you'd most like to do." He looks at her, she looks at him and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Well, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" The man asks the woman; "Shall we?" She eagerly replies; "Oh, yes, you bet! but let's change positions. This time I'll hold the pigeon down, and you poop on it's head!"

Revenge is sweet.

My name is Don and I'm a bonsaiholic.
My imaginary friend Givitago takes over when I'm not sure of myself in print. He's not a complete fool - several bits are missing.

This message has been created using 100% recycled electrons

Post #888
Posted 02/03/2008 20:30:34


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Oh Don! The old ones are the best... SJ


Surrey John says "keep pruning".
Post #889
Posted 04/03/2008 23:09:04


SENSEI?

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Last Login: Today @ 12:33:33
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Its three years since I told that one John.

Some ads in the local paper:-


* Free Yorkshire Terrier, 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

* Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

* Free puppies...part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

* Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be a reward.

* Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.

* Cows, calves never bred...also 1 gay bull for sale.

* Home exerciser. hardly used, call Chubby.

* Nice parachute: Never opened - used once.

* Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer £150.

* Open house: Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.

* For Sale By Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything



My name is Don and I'm a bonsaiholic.
My imaginary friend Givitago takes over when I'm not sure of myself in print. He's not a complete fool - several bits are missing.

This message has been created using 100% recycled electrons

Post #908
Posted 05/03/2008 08:13:34


Genius

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Last Login: 25/05/2011 10:11:13
Posts: 698, Visits: 605


Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it.


Pupil: My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o'clock.



...Location: Trowbridge, Wiltshire...
Webshots

http://www.picturesofengland.com








Post #909
Posted 05/03/2008 09:30:22


SENSEI?

SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?SENSEI?

Group: Administrators
Last Login: Today @ 12:33:33
Posts: 792, Visits: 4,714
Amos was then asked to do the same with three words; delight, depot and defender.   He succeded by saying - 'Delight was out, depot was full so I did it in defender.'

My name is Don and I'm a bonsaiholic.
My imaginary friend Givitago takes over when I'm not sure of myself in print. He's not a complete fool - several bits are missing.

This message has been created using 100% recycled electrons

Post #911
Posted 05/03/2008 17:49:03


Genius

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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 25/05/2011 10:11:13
Posts: 698, Visits: 605
Oh no!

...Location: Trowbridge, Wiltshire...
Webshots

http://www.picturesofengland.com








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